Wish You Were Here

He always wished she was there to share his woes, comfort him and make him smile. She was long gone. He never asked her to stay. He could never tell her the reality. She was a free spirited freak, cracking stupid jokes all the time. Life never asked for seriousness, the situation never demanded openness. That was how things were. It was not how things were supposed to be if sorrows had to be kept away.

Loneliness was not something he could never take. Her words haunted his hollow mind. He pondered over his dumbness, his inability to express. While she wondered why she spent so much time talking next to nothing. She told colorful stories and very colorful lies. She never understood what things were meant to be. It was Almighty’s plans and plans are always crazy.

He moaned, “How long is this gonna last! I am now crying for my past.”  She did miss him. She had no one to understand what she felt. A fool like her would never understand a word from dictionary.  They were breathing same air. It must have been love. Time is cruel enough to set things upside down. Time changed and so did everything. Intensity of sadness dropped, gradually everything returned to normalcy. It was Almighty’s plans and plans are always crazy.

One rainy day they met. Silence spoke the unspoken. The freedom of friendship was erased. He could not fake a smile. His eyes said, “I’m lost, don’t come back.” She was hurt and could not utter a word. She faked a smile that got covered by a tear drop that flowed down. He walked closer, he wanted to confront. She indicated him to go away. He stood bewildered till a man held her hand. He laughed at his misery. She waved at him and her eyes said, “Wish you were here.”

 

A Letter from Heart

Hey you,

What’s wrong with you? I am too feeble and stop stuffing your pain into me. Don’t mistake me, I am just a balloon. I can expand and burst as well. You think you have all the burden of the world on your shoulders. Come on, get out of the mess you have made out of your mind.

Your Mama has spoon fed you and made your life easy. You now wish Mama was here. You want to hug her and cry out your pain. Have you ever thought how she would cry out her pain or who would listen to her woes! You always ignore her but she is always there for you!

You now want somebody to console you. Does that make any difference! Some words may soothe you. Finally, it is your life, play anyhow. Everybody has their own sufferings and remember nobody’s that patient. If people are mean to you, then you lack emotional intelligence to deal with them.

I don’t really understand your tension. You are skeptic, you are a paranoid and you live with fear! Take a look at yourself. You are tanned, you have lost weight and what do you want to be? You have forgotten what you wanted to be. Your creativity is dead and you are choking your dreams.

Worries are like weed, they come on their own. They slowly eat you up. I hope this was enough to make you understand.  I am hurt to write more (Needless to say you are the reason). Remember, an empty mind is devil’s workshop. Talk, smile and laugh as you always do. Pretend to be happy, don’t think much, just stay at peace. Past is gone and dreams lie with future, so take care.

Yours Forever,

Heart

Just a random line: Mom called twice when I was away. I called her up and told her that my balance was low and in no time I got a recharge message. People should not be too good! Nostalgia sucks

 

 

Childish Fear

Miss easy old times, miss you dear Mama

I have hit rock bottom and so has my will

My peace is sucked, I am tired of this drama

I don’t want to cry out, truth is dreams kill

My creativity is suppressed, damn you fear

You are childish, sweet life has fallen at rest

Ever since you crept in. Happiness is too dear

To find anywhere around. Fate puts me to test

I fear failure, I whine, I give up and blame fate

Like I am super perfect and I am always right

Time to wake up and think before it is too late

Time to work and drive stupid fear out of sight

 

(Bear this! Just a stupid poem!!!)

From West Coast to East Coast

Woke up with a stupid feeling, how I could forget to tell my best friend about my posting. Half asleep, half awake, sent a text message. She called me and said “Nothing to worry, you are moving from one coast to another hotter coast. So chill, beware of everything that can go wrong.” Conversation continues, here comes a piece of unforgettable advice. “Loser, you will be professional in some days.  Be selfish, if you think you are sweet then you are a dimwit. Stop whining, people don’t give a damn about your problems. Sympathy doesn’t change your plight. There are people who find your pain and strain a joke. Professionals are supposed to be strong and eccentric. In the end, all you need for cup of life is peace of mind.”

With this in mind, I came to Chennai. I don’t want to write about people here or new place. A whiner in me changed me to snob, there starts my story. It is always easy to criticize and act annoyed. Don’t compare me with Alette Peters of Tell Me Your Dreams. My friend in Mangalore had just one thing to say about all my complaints. English August, go break free, plan an escape. I am not a failure like Agastya Sen, who couldn’t discover himself. Else, yawn, do something creative. My creativity died long ago. By the end of the day, I am a tired soul and my brain goes off. I have become comfortably dumb that I found it difficult to write a post.

In a place overtly obsessed with movie, politics and clothes (especially silk and gold) people have accepted terrible roads and improper drainage system. Tanned skin, poor faces, money hungry souls, nobody is smart. Rich gets richer and poor is pushed to poverty. Autos run without metre. City buses look like they are coated with all dust in the city. This reminds me of second day, a bus would almost mow me down. Left with bruise on two fingers and black dust on hand. I learned to be cautious, after all it’s my life. How can I forget eve teasing (This is an Indian word!) Bearing it has become a part of everyday life.

There are ups and downs every day. If everything worked the way we wanted then words like surprise and astonish wouldn’t exist. Influence of Marcus Aurelias’ philosophy brought about peace. Every morning, I wake up and tell myself, I am going to meet people who are innocently dumb. They will hurt me, save them and save me. No stopping for whiner. When irritation transcended saturation, I realised all I needed was composure. Buddha realised under a tree, some days of independent life, everyday hassle and tussle was enough to understand incomprehensible lessons. Life is the best teacher. It teaches one how to survive and it is upto individual to become the strongest in order to survive.

One random day, I got to know about a sweet altruist friend. “I never get pissed off. I never feel bad. I forget” put me to thinking. Taking silly issues into head spoils tiny brain meant for doing something creative. It is people who matter and not the place. Peace is the first step to success.

I don’t want to study further and rack my brain. I don’t believe in marks or any entrance. My dreams of start-up died, died for several reasons. I am still an optimist and rationalist. Every bad or helpless circumstance paves way for betterment.

A random line from a random book, “You understand a person, you will either love or hate the person”

 

 

Connecting Limited Randomness

This is not my come back post but a get lost blog post. I just want to pen down some memories. Sometimes I wish moments never left any mark. People say move on and forget the past. But how easy is to forget unless it is one click erase. With time, some memories remain while some are rewritten. I don’t believe in shit like ‘Failing to plan is planning to fail.’ In life, most of the things are random. Coming to the point, I have always dreamt of products (not a startup). It’s a different thing that I followed many dreams (Being a dreamer is nobody’s fault).

1)      My first attempt was a twitter web client (I know many exist, just wanted to give a try). Initially with interest at peaks, everything went well but then got stuck in retrieving multiple timelines. There was no significant work against time and finally gave up.

2)      My second attempt was a location aware app. Unlike first one this was an individual try. I failed and didn’t even want to analyze failure. (I was too lazy to take a look so halting was better option.)

3)      Last attempt was to make video search instant. It is up and running.

Shut Up or Fight

Thought of an unwanted random post but my mind refuses to think. (I don’t blame lame movie dialogues coming from TV in the other room.) Back to school days, where we talked and sang enough patriotism during national festivals, wrote tens of pages of essay and pledged to work for country. (I now believe working for self is working for the country as Govt says working for Govt is working for God.) Dreams of working, fighting and dying for the country die with childhood to realize ideals are ideal lies.

Great Indian Education and Survival

I take no pride or pain in saying I have done no good despite having time and thoughts. On the last day of school, we were asked what we wanted to become. Nobody had come up with a clear cut choice. But everybody gave a different answer, which was their passion. Back to present day, almost everyone (including me) is an engineer. My fervor for civil service gradually faded as I embraced the easy going. From school to now there’s nothing I remember out of what I have studied. Everything was exam centric and marks mindedly done.  Study just for the heck of it, job, competition, external pressure and that’s it. This study and forget knowledge can be called fast knowledge like fast food, tasty though junk.